A while ago, my eldest cousin gave birth to a chubby, adorable little one, and the whole family was overjoyed. But after a few days, my cousin became unhappy. It turned out the little one wasn’t close to her at all. Except for feeding, he preferred to stay in her arms; the rest of the time, he only wanted to be held by my second cousin.
As soon as the older cousin held him, the little one frowned, made a face, and cried so hard that the cat had to hide. But as soon as the younger cousin took over, the baby immediately stopped crying, stuck out his tongue contentedly, and became as quiet as a little angel. Did the baby mistake his aunt for his mother?
When do babies usually have memories and can “remember” their mothers?
1. Baby’s “memory”
It is the mother who is breastfeeding, so why doesn’t the baby “recognize” her?
The book “The Magic Years” tells the story of a baby’s world, a fairytale filled with eternal streams and endless milk. As long as the baby utters a “spell” (of course, this spell usually involves crying), food automatically arrives when hungry, and clothes instantly wrap themselves around the baby when cold, warming the world.
This feeling is like turning on a faucet and water immediately flows out. We don’t think about where the water comes from or what twists and turns it takes to get home. It’s the same with babies. They don’t think about where food comes from; they just know that it’s there when they need it.
Therefore, he does not realize that the milk he drinks is provided by a person called “Mom”. He also does not realize that when his needs are not met, he will get angry at “someone”. He is just “angry”.
So, why would we just need a machine to take care of him? Why would we need a mother?
No, no, no! Although the baby doesn’t know at first that there are “other people” in his fairy tale world, he will have many “feelings” when being cared for by others. And these feelings will gradually form the image of “mother”.
When coaxing a baby, a mother conveys a variety of “feelings” through actions like hugging, caressing, and talking. These subtle feelings help the baby associate “contact with people” with “happiness, security, and protection.” Although the baby cannot yet distinguish “mom” from other people, a certain connection has been established in his mind: contact with people (especially those he is most familiar with) means satisfaction and security.
The person who cares for the baby often appears in the baby’s field of vision. Gradually, the baby will associate the face he often sees with a sense of comfort. Through repeated experience, he will gradually picture this face in his mind. This is the basis of “memory.”
This explains why babies show resistance when facing their mothers, but enjoy being hugged by their aunts. This is because their aunts provide more care and make them feel comfortable and warm. Therefore, babies naturally tend to gravitate towards the person who makes them feel better.
When the baby can construct an image in his mind, coupled with a psychological feeling of pleasure, he will smile happily from the bottom of his heart when he sees his mother. So, does he already “know” his mother at this time?
No!
Whenever he saw someone holding a bottle, he would happily let them hold him and feed him. But around six months old, no one else’s feeding mattered; he only wanted his mother. Only then did he truly recognize the face of his beloved mother. It was also at this time that he began to understand that in the fairy tale world, there were “others” besides himself.
This was also the beginning of his learning to “Baby love”.
2. Learn to Baby Love
A baby’s fairytale world begins with the idea that they are one with the outside world. Mother is the primary source of fulfillment for all of this fairytale’s needs, and so, mother represents “this world.” Through contact with their mother’s body and their own, babies discover something fascinating : “Hey, biting my mother’s hand feels different than biting my own hand!”
Moreover, when he has a need, the image of his mother will appear in his mind, but sometimes his mother does not appear in time. Only when he can truly see his mother’s face can his needs be truly met.
By distinguishing between the image in his mind and the real mother, he knows that his mother is another person independent of himself. After understanding the concept that he is separate from his mother, the baby develops love and attachment.
Just like the baby who initially accepts anyone’s bottle, but soon wants only their mom or dad to do it. Because a baby’s response to their mom isn’t just about satisfying a need; it also encompasses deep love. Mom’s presence itself signifies joy and satisfaction.
This is very similar to the love between adults. If you love someone only because they can meet your material needs, it is not “true love”. Only when that person’s existence itself means pleasure and happiness, then it is “true love”.
Just like the beginning of true love, the baby feels content and secure only when his mother is around. But if his mother leaves, even for a moment, he will become anxious because he thinks that if he can’t see her, she has disappeared.
Three: Love comes with anxiety
When Bubu was 6 months old, she loved to stare at the glasses hanging on her father’s nose and kept reaching out to grab them. To avoid her, her father took off his glasses and held them in his hand. Although Bubu saw her father taking off his glasses, she did not look for them. Instead, she just stared at her father’s nose, as if she was confused: “Hey, why is there something missing here?”
Living in a world where “objects disappear,” babies also realize that not only objects, but also the people they love, can disappear. Children who begin to learn to love also learn to be anxious.
However, a particularly paradoxical point is that when a baby deeply loves and is attached to his mother, he cannot tolerate the anxiety of separation, but at the same time, he is trying to leave his mother. He starts eating solid food and no longer relies solely on breast milk. He also begins to learn to sit, crawl, stand and walk, step by step, leaving his beloved mother and moving towards independence.
Although babies may feel intense anxiety while deeply loving their mothers, this is a process of growth and we generally don’t need to worry. They will overcome their anxiety in their own ways, such as doing something according to their own preferences.
4: The period of disobedience has arrived
If you look at it from the perspective of a 1- to 2-year-old, they’ll undoubtedly think their parents are salespeople. They’re selling them water cups to wean them off bottles. They’re also selling them toilet seats and boring, childish toys to teach them hygiene and keep the house clean.
But to defend their individuality and uniqueness, babies learn to hold onto things firmly and say “no.” They also learn to roll on their stomachs and cry loudly to express their protest. At this point, we often say that children have entered the “terrible twos.”
He seems to revel in defying you, resisting whatever you want him to do by refusing to go his own way. But a 2-year-old’s defining characteristic isn’t disobedience; it’s simply his drive to explore this curious and exciting new world, to be himself, and to connect with the world.
At this stage, we need to be more inclusive and allow him to explore freely while ensuring his safety. This will prepare him for self-discovery and social integration in the future.
About the Author
